Melissa and I have been taking daily walks in the morning lately for our health (my knees are poo poo) ... it's wonderful. We end up talking about stuff important to us, something we don't really do around the kids. Anyway, today got on the subject of good parenting and concluded that it's all relative, but there are a few metrics that should be universal.
About young parents (and I guess we still fit that description in some ways ... or at least I feel I can claim the title of "immature parent"): young parents generally are still coming to terms with the parenting they received. Experienced parents sometimes find it almost excruciating talking with young parents who are still doing this (when they say "I'll never do 'this" or 'that' - things which are pretty minor considering the big picture) ... we all have baggage, and with time we can shed it. I think it's easy to assume we never carried such baggage, but I know I did, and probably still do to some extent.
If you give any parent 20, or maybe only 10 years of being a parent and then they'll realize first hand that parents say and do things with the most pure and altruistic motivations to help prepare that child in a way that is almost always misinterpreted as being abusive. It's a fact of life ... there's no way to sugar coat some parts of parenting. Spare the rod and spoil the child is an unhappy reality, and those who refuse to believe it end up with kids that are rotten to be around. They may turn out okay in the long run ... but whew! What a long run.
So being a "good" parent all depends on your frame of reference, and above all every parent should first step back and insure their frame of reference isn't out of whack. Time and experience has a way of doing that for you, but you'll be much better off if you can manage to grow up a bit and see things as they are without life having to show you.
One pet peeve I have is when parents say something to the effect, "My kid's a pain, but I love them anyway." as if they've done their part, and that love is the best thing they can give their kid. That's poppycock. Saying "I love my difficult child" like it's some kind of badge of honor is like bragging that you remembered to breathe. Not only is every parent supposed to do that, they can't help it. They're your flesh for heaven's sake. You'd have to be some kind of degenerate life-form to not love your own spawn.
Do you have a difficult child and want to help them? Then believe in them, and tell them that you believe in them. Anyone can love their own kid no matter how difficult they are ... but "believing-in-them" is where the test of a good parent comes in - and not just "believing in them", but being such that they KNOW IMPLICITLY that you believe in them. If you want my respect as a fellow parent, when talking about your difficult child, say "Gee whiz they sure have put us through the wringer, but I have faith in them, and here's why ..."
The problem is that in most of those cases, they can't finish that sentence, and understandably so if the child is a royal pain. If you want to be a "good parent" and not just a mediocre one then you need to finish that sentence. So what if they have symptoms of Asperger's syndrome and seem doomed to a life of awkwardness and isolation ... so did Einstein. Maybe they seem to have no redeeming qualities ... but is that because they don't have them or are you only a mediocre parent that isn't digging deep enough to find just one ... just one to hang on to and say ... "I believe in you because you're __________", and make that their identity.
It's easy for me to say this though ... I have wonderful kids and I have a million good things to say about them, but I don't say them. That probably makes me just a mediocre parent. They hey need to know I don't just love them but that I believe in them, and know why I believe in them. I had a mom who did that. She believed in me and thought I was wonderful. She would tell me why too ... I can't remember what exactly she said because like most kids I tried to put it out of my mind, but what she said on some level had a pretty enormous effect on me. My dad ... not so much. He made it very clear to me he loved me ... and that he loved me despite me more less a screw up. He pay me a compliment once ... saying that he had no idea how I did what I did on the computer and was impressed with my ability to focus there.
That meant a lot to me. I've decided to throw out the "I love you anyway" comments and hang onto the "I'm impressed ... that's something I could never do".
So will your kids do the same. Do you want your kids to appreciate how you feel about them? Then don't just feel love. Feel faith. Feel hope. Feel belief. Then express those things, not just your love. Love is everything right? Yeah, but it's a free gift ... because your ability to love was given to you. A child should be thanking God, not you, for your love.
And if you just can't seem to go deeper than love, try this: Call your dad (moms are generally more forgiving and forgetful of your stupid teenage antics, though it may be the other way around), and ask them if you were ever like your own kid. You're not an axe-murderer right? We'll at least you have that going for you ... so now you have some thing to believe in for your kid.
ps - Don't tell them "Cheer up, son. I believe you're not going to grow up to become an axe murderer because I'm not and I was a screw-up too." Just say "I believe in you." Mean it. Give them a good reason if you can ... and if you can't just yet then work on it. That's called being a "good parent".
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